To Do list for the ex-smokeboat sailor who misses "the good old days"

1. Replace all your doorways in your house with windows so that you have to step up AND duck to go through them.

2.Take the jack handle out of your trunk and install it in the ceiling over your stove. Several times a day, give it 112 turns and yell: "main induction secured."

3. Watch only unknown movies with no major stars and then, only at night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then watch a different one.

4. Buy a trash compactor (but don't use it). Store the trash in your bathtub.

5. Leave lawnmower running in your living room six hours a day for proper noise level.

6. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.

7. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.

8. Check your refrigerator compressor for "sound shorts".

9. Pour 2 quarts of oil in your laundry tubs. Lay in them, on your back, and change the washers on the water spigots.

10. While doing laundry, replace liquid fabric softener with diesel Fuel.

11. At night, replace all light bulbs in the living room with red bulbs.

12. Buy all food in cases and line the floor with them.

13. Whenever someone enters a room you're cleaning, shout "up and over" at them so they'll go through the attic to get to the kitchen.

14. Paint the windshield of your car black. Make your wife stand up through the sunroof and give you directions on where to drive.

15. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet at all times.

16. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.

17. Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.

18. Run a tube from your car's exhaust pipe into your living room, yell "prepare to snorkel", and start the car. Breathe the fumes for one hour.

19. One hour after falling asleep, have your wife shine a flashlight in your eyes and say "sorry, wrong rack."

20. Sit up from 1130 to 0530 in front of your stove to insure it doesn't turn on by accident.

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